Tuesday, October 7, 2008

What would you have to say?

To get the instant-feedback-o-meters to hit 100 or zero?

I personally find this mode of surveying to be about the dumbest ever. If you get a group of evenly split voters, and take the results as an average, then naturally, there's not going to be much movement in the squiggly lines as everyone cancels each other out. Good comments will be slightly above average. Bad comments will go slightly below average.

With that in mind, here's what each candidate on each party's tickets would have to say tonight (or in any debate) to get the registers to hit 100% and 0%.
Barack Obama: 100%
"In my administration, I promise free everything for everyone. Not just free healthcare, but a lollipop at the end too. Hell, why not just at the end of doctor's checkups? Under my watch, we will give Americans the health care they need, but also free Tootsie Roll pops that they don't. Free candy for everyone!"

Barack Obama: 0%
"Yea, I knew Bill Ayers. He's my boy! We were actually working on a project back in the 70s to blow up the World Trade Center, but someone beat us to the punch. Those bastards. Never again..."

John McCain: 100%
"So this one time when I was in a North Vietnamese prison trying to reknit my tortured, broken bones with an American flag..."

John McCain: 0%
One last angry tirade laced with obscene profanity and pockmarked with unspeakable racial slurs directed towards Barack Obama, Osama bin Laden, and Ho Chi Minh.

Sarah Palin: 100%
Cocks head to side. Rapidly blinks eyelashes adorably.

Sarah Palin: 0%
"This one time, I done took down a polar bear from the back of ma truck with a shotgun! It was real bitchin'! Yeeeeeeeeeehaw!"

Joe Biden: 100%
Growing up in my blue-collar, working-class, Irish Catholic, lunch-pail, hard-working, rooting-for-the-Pittsbugh Steelers, small-town..."
Joe Biden: 0%
"What are you talking about? I never said Sarah Palin was unqualified because she's a first-term governor. I said she was unqualified because she's a woman."


Matt said...

If McCain loses the election, I'm 50-50 split on whether: A - he'll be super releived because he hates campaigning and needs a nap or B - that very same tirade will actually happen.

Vinnie said...

Haha, I don't know... I think Palin would score some points with the polar bear kill.