Thursday, October 23, 2008

Desperate McCain appeals to dead pet demographic

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. -- In a bold attempt to narrow the widening margin between himself and Democratic Senator Barack Obama, GOP presidential candidate John McCain delivered a speech today appealing to dead pet voters, a demographic that many political insiders say will determine the election.

"I promise America this," announced McCain during a rally at a Daytona Beach dog show on Thursday, "that when I'm in the Oval Office, I'll see to it that all deceased pets will receive quality health care, a good education, tax breaks, and a decent cloud to live on."

The new strategy comes in response to reports that dead pets have registered to vote in record numbers this election, particularly in Illinois, New Mexico, Ohio, and Florida. Recent polls have indicated that dead pets represent one of the voting demographics with the highest percentage of uncommitted voters.

"Under my economic plan, the post-mortem tax will be repealed for all animals, and I will provide loans to all dead pets whose clouds are in foreclosure," added McCain. The plan will also allow deceased cats who are unsatisfied with their dry cat food to create an untaxed savings account that can be used toward purchasing Whiskas Premium with Heaven Crystals cat food.

Critics have received the plan with much skepticism, citing the difficulties created by the current financial crisis.

"I'm just not sure how some of the proposals are feasible, given the deficit accumulated in recent weeks by the banking industry bailout," says economist William Soderberg. "If the prices of corn and heaven crystals continue to rise, the tax-free cat food accounts could lead to drastic cuts in other government programs, including Social Security."

At the rally, McCain also spoke of homeland security issues. "We will stop at no length to hunt down and capture deadly terrorists both at home and abroad," McCain said to a chorus of panting and sack-licking. "Not only will they be brought to justice, but they will be miniturized and sent to doggie heaven to be chew toys for all the innocent puppies that have been slain by their malicious acts."

Senator Obama responded to McCain's appeals to dead pets at an appearance in Indiana, where the Democratic nominee trails by five points. "Bottomless water bowls, tummy rub vouchers, shinier halos--These are the same failed Bush administration policies that have hurt this country the last eight years."

Senator McCain plans to spend the rest of Thursday making appearances in Florida before traveling to Colorado on Friday.


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